I
am
certainly not the smartest person
in
the room. On occasion, I am the smart
aleck in the room, but that’s a whole other topic. At any rate, in my time here on this planet I
have come to learn a number of things that help me to know that the world is in
balance, if only precariously. These
little things are the constants in life that we can count on like gravity keeps
us from floating up in the air and water is wet. Without them, we feel a certain
uneasiness. Let me share them with you:
1. Asparagus
will
have
a lingering effect, if you know what I mean.
Try
as you might to dilute it with large quantities of alcohol or a cherry Slurpee,
that little green vegetable’s odiferous power will not be masked.
2. If
a
man has a mustache – with
no other
facial hair – it’s a 98.72% likelihood that he’s a cop or a firefighter . . .
or it’s Tom Selleck
reprising his role in Magnum
P.I. Little known fact: Salvador
Dalí
went to
his college career advisor to ask about how he could become a police officer
and found that the waiting list was three years long, but there were immediate
openings in the “eccentric
artist” department.
3. When
you walk into a men’s public restroom, two
out
of the three
seats
in the stalls will be left
in the up position – the
one that’s not was last used by a man
who’s been married for more than five years.
4. You
will
never become a millionaire, lose seventy-five pounds, or grow your hair back as
a result of something you received
through junk mail
or a mass email.
5. Regardless
of your college major and the subsequent career field you pursue, the things
you learn in your Political Science 202 class will only come in handy when
watching or competing on Jeopardy.
I
defy you to prove these universal constants wrong. Sure, you’ll come back and say things like, “Hall
of
Fame pitcher Rollie
Fingers had a handlebar mustache, and he was never in law enforcement or public
safety.” Bear
in mind, though, that Mr.
Fingers and others of his mustachioed ilk
comprise
the
other 1.28% – I
have
statistics to back me up. What have you
got?
Just
as there are constants in the world that we universally understand and accept,
there are also misconceptions that exist and need to be righted
immediately. Of course I’m talking about
the real estate/mortgage world – this isn’t a newsletter for chefs who like
extreme sports (unless they’re looking to buy or sell a house). In last week’s newsletter, I touched on a big
one: you don’t have to amass a 20% down payment to qualify for a home these
days. I know I made a big deal of that
last week, but it bears repeating (and I’m the one writing the
newsletter). Here’s another HUGE
misconception: the only way to get into a home with prices on the rise is with
the help of a down-payment assistance program.
HUGE misconception! I am not
implying in any way that DPA programs are bad; I’m only saying that the funds
available in those programs are limited, and the DPA doesn’t always work out in
the end. There are products out there
that are NOT down-payment assistance programs that require NO down payment;
there are others that only require a 1% down payment with the lender giving 2%
toward the down payment. Those are
constants in our current universe.
In
closing, my recommendation
is that you take comfort in these simple truths that I have outlined
and this new information I’ve shared. Lay
your head on your pillow tonight
and
dream sweetly of a world that makes sense in its own weird way. And if in those dreams you suddenly find
yourself on Jeopardy
competing against Tom Selleck
and Salvador
Dalí,
rest
assured they won’t know Plato’s Theory of Forms either.
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