Skip to main content

Universal Truths and Asparagus (Posted August 1, 2016)

I am certainly not the smartest person in the room.  On occasion, I am the smart aleck in the room, but that’s a whole other topic.  At any rate, in my time here on this planet I have come to learn a number of things that help me to know that the world is in balance, if only precariously.  These little things are the constants in life that we can count on like gravity keeps us from floating up in the air and water is wet.  Without them, we feel a certain uneasiness.  Let me share them with you:

1.  Asparagus will have a lingering effect, if you know what I mean.  Try as you might to dilute it with large quantities of alcohol or a cherry Slurpee, that little green vegetable’s odiferous power will not be masked. 
2.  If a man has a mustache – with no other facial hair – it’s a 98.72% likelihood that he’s a cop or a firefighter . . . or it’s Tom Selleck reprising his role in Magnum P.I.  Little known fact: Salvador Dalí went to his college career advisor to ask about how he could become a police officer and found that the waiting list was three years long, but there were immediate openings in the “eccentric artist” department. 
3.  When you walk into a men’s public restroom, two out of the three seats in the stalls will be left in the up position – the one that’s not was last used by a man who’s been married for more than five years.
4.  You will never become a millionaire, lose seventy-five pounds, or grow your hair back as a result of something you received through junk mail or a mass email. 
5.  Regardless of your college major and the subsequent career field you pursue, the things you learn in your Political Science 202 class will only come in handy when watching or competing on Jeopardy. 

I defy you to prove these universal constants wrong.  Sure, you’ll come back and say things like, “Hall of Fame pitcher Rollie Fingers had a handlebar mustache, and he was never in law enforcement or public safety.”  Bear in mind, though, that Mr. Fingers and others of his mustachioed ilk comprise the other 1.28% – I have statistics to back me up.  What have you got? 

Just as there are constants in the world that we universally understand and accept, there are also misconceptions that exist and need to be righted immediately.  Of course I’m talking about the real estate/mortgage world – this isn’t a newsletter for chefs who like extreme sports (unless they’re looking to buy or sell a house).  In last week’s newsletter, I touched on a big one: you don’t have to amass a 20% down payment to qualify for a home these days.  I know I made a big deal of that last week, but it bears repeating (and I’m the one writing the newsletter).  Here’s another HUGE misconception: the only way to get into a home with prices on the rise is with the help of a down-payment assistance program.  HUGE misconception!  I am not implying in any way that DPA programs are bad; I’m only saying that the funds available in those programs are limited, and the DPA doesn’t always work out in the end.  There are products out there that are NOT down-payment assistance programs that require NO down payment; there are others that only require a 1% down payment with the lender giving 2% toward the down payment.  Those are constants in our current universe.


In closing, my recommendation is that you take comfort in these simple truths that I have outlined and this new information I’ve shared.  Lay your head on your pillow tonight and dream sweetly of a world that makes sense in its own weird way.  And if in those dreams you suddenly find yourself on Jeopardy competing against Tom Selleck and Salvador Dalí, rest assured they won’t know Plato’s Theory of Forms either. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Definition of Insanity (in Real Estate)

More than a couple of years ago, I witnessed something that makes me laugh and cringe at the same time.  Having lunch at a local restaurant, I spied a real estate agent and a loan originator having what I would characterize as a “first date”. I couldn’t help but overhear little snippets of their conversation, and as far as I could tell, things were going relatively well . . . at least until the agent asked the LO this question: “So, do you like to sit at open houses with agents?”  I immediately looked to the LO’s face awaiting the response.  I didn’t need to hear another single word coming out of the LO’s mouth because his face said everything:  you would have thought the agent had asked him if he enjoyed bobbing for apples in a pool of acid judging by the look on his face.  While his face was communicating complete revulsion, his lips said, “Yes, of course.”  And that’s when I looked over at the agent’s face to see, ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Time for a New York-Style Housing Fix

Previously, I’ve written about a man who works in our office who lived in New York City back in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s – let me assure you that while that does seem like a very long time ago, it’s not nearly as far bac k as when the wheel was invented and humankind learned to harness the power of fire. If you’ve been to New York City recently and blissfully walked around Harlem to get chicken and waffles at Sylvia’s on Malcolm X Boulevard between 126 th and 127 th Streets or stopped in at Keybar on 13 th Street between First Avenue and Avenue A to wedge yourself into a cozy corner next to their notable fireplace, you wouldn’t get a sense that these areas were once . . . not as welcoming and glitzy as you now see them. Our office mate has told some fairly interesting stories of living in those and other areas of New York City that give a much different sense.   In the late ‘80s/early ‘90s, no matter how many great things you heard about Sylvia’s food, 127 th Str...
Post a Comment
Read more

Change: the Only Sure Thing

Which headline is better for grabbing your attention and prompting you to read the article to which it’s attached: “Credit Reports to Exclude Certain Negative Information, But Read on to See if This Even Applies to You” or “ Credit Reports to Exclude Certain Negative Information, Boosting FICO Scores”?   Obviously, the former is less than tantalizing while the latter makes you say, “Tell me more!”   I was in the “tell me more” camp, and the folks at The Wall Street Journal sucked me into their vortex. The development, set to go into practice on July 1 st , is certainly a departure from how the Big Three (Experian, TransUnion , and Equifax) have done things in the past, but it’s not going to wave a magic wand and make bankruptcies, foreclosures, short sales, etc., go away.   It’s sort of a bittersweet development.   Let me explain: Many tax liens and civil judgments will be removed from people’s credit reports if they don’t include a complete list of a...
Post a Comment
Read more